Kidnapped
by Steveofthestrangeface
Summary: I was there.  I saw it happen.  I know the real story behind the abductions.


It was her birthday. Again. Seriously, this must have been at least her second birthday this month. The Toads had lined up rows of presents and the residents of the kingdom were in an all-around happy mood. Just like usual. Also just like usual, Mario, Luigi, the Toads, and even a few Yoshis were in the throne room dancing and celebrating and basically being sickeningly joyful.

"Hey, Princess Peach!" It was Mario. "How 'bout a game! You look kind of down, but I know justa the thing to cheer you up! We'll go to the iceberg and try to stay on. Here's the kicker: we'll be on the iceberg during a penguin migration! The last one to fall off the iceberg wins!"

They'd played the iceberg game fifty times that week. "Maybe later, I kind of feel like just staying here in this overly-shiny throne room for now."

"I have an idea!" This time it was Luigi. "We could-"

"Shut up, Luigi." Either Peach or Mario said it. It doesn't really matter who said it; everyone in the room was thinking it.

"Princess Peach!" This was a new voice. Not as happy as the other ones. She looked around, and then looked down. Oh yeah, it was that Toad, the Toad she used as a shield whenever a situation looked dangerous. She smiled. She was really glad she wasn't him.

"What is it? Tell me and get out. I'm busy being royal and stuff."

The little Toad smiled malevolently. "There's a cake for you at the door. Shall I show it in?"

Luigi looked confused. "You mean it's a living cake?"

"Shut up, Luigi." Anyone or everyone said it; you can use your imagination to decide.

She looked around at the naïve and happy faces. Really? She was the only one who knew what was coming? Well, at least it would get her out of this party.

"Sure, Toady, show it in."

The little Toad ran off with a squeal that was somehow both evil and cute.

"Say, I wonder who ordered the cake?" Mario mused as he turned to the nearest Yoshi. "Did you order the cake?" The Yoshi shook its head confusedly. Idiots.

Sure enough, a gargantuan and obviously hollow cake wheeled itself into the room. Before Luigi could make another stupid comment about the self-propelled cake, four Koopa Kids jumped out of said cake and somehow incapacitated Mario and Luigi. You know, the Mario and Luigi who had easily defeated Bowser countless times. That Mario and Luigi. Everyone in the room (except of course Peach, who was smart enough to recognize a trap that had been used a million freaking times before) gasped.

"Your rule is over, Princess Peach! You're coming with us!"

She grabbed the nearest golf club and, in a quite appropriate use for something with the word "club" in it, clubbed the insolent Koopa Kid.

"I'm still a Princess, twerp. Show some respect. How were you planning on escaping? Did you bring the flying ship?"

The Koopa Kid, who was now rubbing the golf club-shaped bruise on his head, seemed to have learned his lesson. "Umm… yeah… it's out back…"

Bowser was always renovating that thing. However it looked, it couldn't be more nauseating than this place. Time for some acting.

"Oh no! I'm being kidnapped! My dear Mario!" With that, she turned and started running towards the spot where the flying ship normally docked while the Koopa Kids followed.

"Oh no!" Luigi lamented. "We have to catch them! They must be on foot; there's no way they could have brought the flying ship to the castle without us seeing it!"

Peach momentarily stopped running to turn towards Luigi. "Shu-" She stopped. It took all of her willpower to continue playing the part of the Princess. "I mean, help me!" she said as she turned around again and ran towards the flying ship. She climbed aboard and then waited for the panting Koopa Kids. Here's an idea, Bowser: get some minions that aren't turtles. You know, like a track star or something.

"We've got you now!" a different Koopa Kid yelled.

"Am I going to have to golf club you too?"

"Ha! Where are you going to get a golf club?"

She pointed to a random golf club laying on the deck. The Koopa Kid remained silent for a few seconds before running to the control room.

Now it was just her on the deck. She walked to the bow and looked out as the landscapes drifted by below her. The view from the ship really was quite beautiful. She stayed at the bow until the ship landed with a thud in front of Bowser's castle. Without waiting for the Koopa younglings, she floated to the ground and walked towards Bowser's throne room. A throne room which was really much nicer than hers. She had to remember to ask who his decorator was this time. She kept forgetting to do that.

She opened the door to find Bowser breathing fire onto random cauldrons.

"Okay, I'm here. Congrats on your success."

Bowser looked up and then let out a maniacal laugh which was soon silenced by a turnip to the face.

"Where did you get that turnip? The floor is quite literally lava in several places. I don't see how any turnips could possibly grow here," the very confused Bowser mumbled.

"Like I'd tell you." No one knew that secret. "More importantly, Mario, Luigi, and a whole army of Toads and Yoshis are probably marching here as we speak."

"Are they? My minions will make them into minced meat!"

"Really? You sure? Are you taking into account the fact that those morons have destroyed each and every one of your castles several times? If I were you, I don't think I'd leave your minions in charge of the defenses."

Bowser thought about it for a moment and then stomped out of the throne room. "You'll see! I'll personally set up the defenses of every castle this time! You stay here! Or else!"

"Yeah, whatever. Woe is me and all that." She waited until Bowser had stomped out of the castle and then turned to the nearest Koopa Kid.

"I'm hungry. Go order a pizza. Pepperoni."

"… yes Princess Peach."


End file.
